(My take on the great masters poem on this day)

Original poem by Rabindranath Tagore

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.

Recently, I complimented a dear friend on her scarf and she just brushed it off and told me it was a cheap thing she had picked up for a tenner in some supermarket. This got me thinking (and sharing my thoughts with her incidentally) – if a person can’t/won’t receive a no strings attached compliment from a dear friend, how are they ever going to receive anything else? From my own experience, I often rejected offers of help at work and then wondered why I was so overwhelmed. I also know ladies who insist on going Dutch even when their date/partner really wants to treat them, which deflates the wannabe giver and hurts their feelings too.

Think about it – doesn’t it feel great to help some one out? Don’t you love it when someone likes something you’ve given them and really shows their appreciation? I know I do – it’s the best feeling in the world! A friend’s son recently had his 8^th birthday party and as he is into Tennis I hunted around for a good book on Tennis (which is harder than you’d think in Delhi). He especially texted me to thank me and was thrilled! I was even more thrilled that he liked it and felt the warm and fuzzy feeling of self-approbation all day.

Giving feels amazing – it feels so good to know you’ve made someone’s day or made them smile or feel good about themselves with a simple compliment or a small gift of something that they like and appreciate. I really feel that the gift-giver receives as much benefit from the gift as the recipient. So why deprive another of the joy of giving? Why not receive their gift, whatever it is with a smile and a thank you?

Also consider, if someone rejected one of your gifts because – they can buy it themselves, or don’t deserve it – how would you feel? Would you want to give them a gift again? I wouldn’t!!! And ladies, decent men love to give gifts of help, compliments and even dinners without expecting a payback. It makes them feel good, valued and needed.

So how can you learn to receive? Here are some simple practices you can adopt to grow your receptivity muscle.

1. Set an intention of open-ness and receptivity: For one week, start every morning with an intention to receive. You could say something like “I am open to receiving all the gifts that life brings me today with grace”. Watch what happens and how people react. (You can do this every day for ever if you want)
2. For one day, every time someone offers you a compliment just smile and say thank you. That’s all– not “right back at you”, or “you’re looking great too” or “its just an old thing” or “its nothing…” Just a smile & thank you. (Fullstop).
3. Compliment your friends and colleagues (sincerely) and notice how they respond and how you respond to what they do. How do you feel when they receive your compliment graciously? How do you feel when they brush it aside or deem themselves unworthy of it?
4. For the next 5 times someone offers you help of any sort – TAKE IT! It could be someone offering to carry your bags at the airport, or give you a ride, or help with chores – anything. Just accept the offer with a smile and a thank you.
5. Observe someone in your circle of friends or acquaintances who is gracious and charming – odds are they know the art of receiving. What can you learn from them?

Let me know how you get on and happy receiving!

2. Happiness is a decision.

As Abraham Lincoln said, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Hang on a sec I can hear you say – happiness is not a decision, it’s how I feel when something good happens. True enough, however I put it to you that you can choose how you respond to whatever is going on, good, bad or ugly. Being happy takes first of all a decision to be happy, no matter what. What is happiness anyway? It’s a feeling, a state of mind and being. “An active or passive state of pleasure or pleasurable satisfaction” says one dictionary. It’s also transient – happiness is not like a university degree that once you have it, you always have it like a PhD. You are happy or not in the moment. And I’m saying you can choose to be happy or not in the moment, by deciding to be (or not to be).

I’ve had a chance to practice this over the last year, which has probably been the toughest in my life in many ways. I’ve chosen to be in Delhi to support my family, dealt with massive changes in my career, family and life overall and have had to contend with many players and factors, mostly out of my control. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dabbled in misery a lot, but on the whole I prefer being happy so I’ve tried to focus on what’s good and what’s positive in all the situations I am faced with. And guess what, there is a LOT that’s good, if I only choose to see it.

What’s worked for me is firstly intending to be happy, no matter what. This is because intellectually I know that being in a happy and positive state is better for me because I can think more clearly, it’s better for my health (adrenaline and stress hormones are bad for my body) and frankly because it feels a lot better than being miserable!

Secondly I keep asking myself the question “What’s good about this?” and listing down all the answers even if they seem really small. What’s good about being in Delhi is I get to spend quality time with my mom, I get to hang out with 6 gorgeous dogs, I can watch a lot of cricket, the weathers nice mostly, the food is amazing, I have some fabulous friends here, my laundry gets done for me and so does the cleaning, cooking, ironing and the dishes!

Thirdly I make a list of all thats good in my life in general and what I appreciate about it and about being me. Quickly – I am healthy, free, young, smart, relatively well off compared to the millions in India who are not, I live in a nice house in a good neighbourhood, I have a lovely flat in London, I have amazing, wonderful friends, I have a caring family, I have lots of time to read and and and.

Fourthly, I remind myself that this too shall pass. All situations are temporary. All of them. This is not the rest of my life and focusing on that fact helps me to stay centred and happy and take steps towards the rest of my life and what I want to do and who I want to be going forward. It helps me to stay focused on the solutions rather than giving into the overwhelm of the problems.

Fifth, I try and stay in the moment and enjoy the little moments. Like playing ball with my dogs, like reading a good book, like listening to my favourite songs, like watching an incredible session of test cricket, like sharing time with my friends, like meditating, like a glass of single malt with my mum, like feeling the winter sun on my back and knowing it’s freezing in London, like a delicious meal, like a good cup of masala chai…

So I’ve come to believe being happy is about focus. It’s about focusing on what is good in the moment rather than what is not so desirable, it’s focusing on the future rather than the unpleasant bits of the now, it’s about noticing the little pleasures and savouring them, it’s about being thankful for all I have and all I am when so many have so little, it’s knowing that I can shift my perspective whenever I decide to, one thought at a time. I can choose to think a happier thought rather than a glum one.

A sub-text to this – only you can make you happy, not someone or something outside of you.

I love this quote by Abraham-Hicks which says it all really – ‎”A happy life is just a string of happy moments. But most people don’t allow the happy moment, because they’re so busy trying to get a happy life.”

Be happy people!

These are the best of times and these are the worst of times. The worst of times because I know many people are struggling with fear and seems to be a mood nearing paralysis all over the world. This is reflected in the “stuckness” at the highest levels in government and public agencies that we’ve seen recently. Many regular folks including myself have been dealing with a feeling of being stuck and not knowing what steps to take. Personally speaking, I’ve been afraid of making a mistake or taking the “wrong” step – what would happen then?!? I hear this all the time, people tell me they’re scared and feel inadequate because they are not sure that they know enough or can control the fallout of their actions (or inaction) and they choose to stay put rather than make a mistake.

These are also the best of times in many ways – the world is changing radically, old political structures are collapsing globally, economic monoliths are crumbling and there is a mood of “enough is enough” that’s spreading all over the world. Change is afoot on a massive scale and we are all seeing and experiencing these transitions personally and collectively. So how are these the best of times??? Well change means we can embrace a different way and choose to let go of old habits, behaviours and paths that we are dissatisfied with and choose again. These changes are an opportunity to reflect on what’s really important for us as individuals and if we choose to, to decide on a new path for ourselves. If we choose to. I remember seeing something on TV a while ago, where a couples house burnt down. Obviously they were devastated as they’d lost pretty much everything. However they eventually re-grouped and rebuilt their house again, brick by brick. Their “new” house was many, many times better than their “old” one and they both agreed it had all been worth it, painful as it was.

How can we do what’s right when we don’t know what to do? How can we choose a better way for ourselves? Well what I’ve learnt is that it’s important to so something, anything, no matter how small or insiginificant in order to avoid getting stuck and succumb to inertia. For example, I might not be able to sort out the huge crisis I’m dealing with, but I can take small steps and sort out my cupboard, make sure I go to the gym regularly, keep myself in a positive state by reading uplifting material and spending time with friends and family.

If you’re feeling stuck and alone and simply haven’t a clue what to do – take heart – you are definitely not alone!!! People all over the world are experiencing the same feeling and dealing with similar situations. So what can you do to make a little progress?

First of all, remember that you don’t have to sort out everything this red hot minute. You will eventually figure it out, one step at a time, just stay with it. This too will pass and things will work out eventually.

Secondly, check out your body – how are you sitting/standing? Make sure you stand tall or sit straight, your shoulders are not hunched and your’re not leaning back or forwards – centre yourself. Adopt a confident body posture, even if you don’t feel very confident. The change in stance will help you shift your mindset and emotional state. Hold your new, confident posture, chin up, looking forward and take a few deep breaths till you feel better.

Thirdly, ask your self “what can I do now that takes me towards the result I want?” List all the answers that come up to this question, even if they seem silly! For instance maybe you can ask around and find out if anyone you know has dealt with such a situation. You can do a Google search and see what comes up – perhaps you can gain insights from another person that’s had a similar experience that may help. Maybe you can just take a small action that isn’t in your eyes important, but it’s a step closer. For example, if you’re looking for a job, you could a) research CV writing tips and b) start working on a CV, c) join an online forum on your industry, d) 2 articles in a trade magazine e) arrange to meet an ex-colleague for coffee to get some tips and information on whats making the news f) ask people to recommend a good recruitment consultant, g) find out about a networking event that you could attend. None of these will get you a job immediately, but each action is a small step forward in the right direction.

Fourth DO SOMETHING! Take any one of the actions on your list, and take it NOW. Don’t put it off, begin immediately and get it done, tick it off the list and congratulate yourself for doing it! Then complete another task on your list. Congratulate yourself on getting it done. You will feel a million times better about yourself and will regain a sense of control again.

Fifth – remember to nourish yourself and be good to yourself daily. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself every day and applaud yourself for doing it! It could be getting the haircut you’ve been putting off, or going for a walk, or meeting your friends, or listening to your favourite song. Again, it does not matter how small it is, what’s important is that you do something and acknowledge yourself for doing it.

The key is to build momentum and overcome inertia, which is defined as sluggishness or inactivity and essentially is a basic law of matter – an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion unless acted on by an external force. If you’re at rest or inert, taking these small steps daily will help you move again and gain some momentum.

Bottomline – Do something, anything! Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Take that step. NOW.

Hope you found my thoughts helpful – do let me know what you think by commenting on this post.

Best wishes,

Piya

Firstly, thank you all for your comments and for following my blog, it’s very heartening and has helped me immensely to know that I’ve been able to help you come to an “Aha”, no matter how small. Secondly, sorry for being under the radar for so long, believe me when I say I’ve been otherwise occupied! I feel an explanation is due so I’ll make it brief and also share some experiences that may resonate.

I am writing this from India, where I have been since November last year. I had to unexpectedly drop everything overnight and hasten to Delhi to attend to a family crisis, which thankfully has been largely resolved now. As is sometimes the way, one crisis led to another, followed by the sudden death of a family member, which has resulted in my being here for a while now and the likelihood is I will be here a while longer. So – I am dealing with Change – big time!

Being my own best client and practicing what I preach has been challenging sometimes – Delhi is not my favourite city for a variety of reasons, I miss London, I want my own bed & would practically kill to go to my local and have a nice glass of wine with undemanding companions! Ram Dass once said (and I’m paraphrasing horribly I’m sure),  “if you think you’re enlightened and mature, go spend a week with your parents”. Now I love my family very much of course, but I think he may have been onto something there.

Enough griping though, despite feeling like I’m trying to swim through concrete anytime I want to get anything done, the constant heat and total lack of personal space, I am here because I choose to be. There are times when choice-making becomes incredibly easy, when nothing is more important than being there for the people you love. So while I miss “my life” in London, my friends, my clients, my rituals, my gym, my bed, my pub, my books….this is my life too. I figure I may as well enjoy it.

So here’s what’s helped me to stay centred and relatively sane in the past 4 months, when everything went topsy turvy, I’m hoping you may glean a nugget or two as well.

1. Deciding to focus on what’s good about the whole situation.

Since I am here, I’m going to do my best to enjoy being here. What’s great about it is that I get to spend time with my Mum, my dogs, eat lots of great food, hang out with some amazing friends, escape the bitter winter in Europe… And the Cricket World Cup is on.

2. Meditating

It’s a peculiar thing, but it’s a lot easier to meditate in London rather than India, where it’s supposed to have begun. Taking those 15 minutes to be with myself has been the biggest gift I have given myself and the biggest reason I am OK. I’m a huge believer – it kept me sane when I worked in FX and carnage hit the dealing room and it’s keeping me sane now. (It’s funny how many traders and bankers have told me they meditate BTW!!)

3. Buddies

Quality over quantity every time when it comes to the people I choose to spend my time with and I am luckier than most. I’m blest to have great friends all over the world and in Delhi, who’ve been absolute lifesavers. Do your friends uplift you, make you feel fabulous and make you laugh? If so hold on to them and tell them how much you appreciate them! If not, why not?

4. Focusing on the Prize

When the crap’s hitting the fan, it’s easy to get distracted with all the goo on the ceilings, walls, floor, the stink etc etc etc. It’s critical to stay focused on the end goal – the Big Prize and not let the other stuff shake your focus. I’m reminding myself every day of what I want to achieve and why. Sometimes the how is not too clear but the What and why are, which makes it a lot easier to stay on path.

5. Humour & Perspective

Perspective first – no matter how big my so called “problems” are – there are people who are a lot worse off and I am incredibly fortunate to be me. Nowhere is this brought home as much as in India with it’s contrasts of wealth and poverty; that said, there have been people all over the world living with natural disasters, massive loss of life, liberty and possessions, frankly, when I think of it all I feel like a bit of a drama queen to whinge. No matter how badly off I am, there are many who are far worse off.

Humour – Am I the dancer or am I being danced by a greater force? I just have to laugh sometimes at how life works out! Being a “change expert”, I know how to deal with massive change right?!? Uh yeah, right, some of the time. The rest of the time I just laugh at myself, the situation and also make time to play with the dogs, watch the funnies on telly and make time to read, listen to music, go for walks and constantly remind myself that we’re all human after all – we’re all doing the best we can and being the best we can be. Me included.

Humility is the one of the most over-rated “virtues” in the human race and is a dangerous saboteur of success. Now, before you react indignantly to this, give me a chance to explain why I am such a vehement opponent of humility – read on and all will be revealed.

So humility is defined as “the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, rank, etc.”

The adjective humble is also defined below for completeness.

—Synonyms

lowliness, meekness, submissiveness.

–adjective

1. not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.

2. having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.: In the presence of so many world-famous writers I felt very humble.

3. low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: of humble origin; a humble home.

4. courteously respectful: In my humble opinion you are wrong.

5. low in height, level, etc.; small in size: a humble member of the galaxy.

Frankly of the above, the only definition I am marginally comfortable with is 4, i.e. “courteously respectful”. As for the rest – subservient, lowly, inferior… – I find them galling and insulting at best. And yet, most of us are brought up to be “humble” and “modest” like it’s a good thing! In my own experience and as many of my clients and acquaintances have confirmed, as children, most of us were encouraged to be humble, not get “too big for our boots / britches”, yada yada yada. (Americans, you may note relate to this as much as Brits & the rest of the Commonwealth).

At the same time however we are expected to “do well”, “make something of ourselves” and generally be independent and financially successful. Here’s the rub – most people who really “do well” financially have incredible self-belief and the ability to promote themselves and their message and/or product and bully for them I say. Modest they’re not, they take credit for their accomplishments and more power to them. Quite often they also are comfortable with not being “liked” by everyone – you can’t please all the people all of the time after all, is the prevailing view.

The problem is, that with the inbred “modesty” so many are afflicted with, taking credit for genuine accomplishments, increasing one’s personal profile, being forthright about ones skills and talents are in direct conflict with the need for humility and all too often, humility wins and the individual loses and feels miserable in the bargain, confused about why the other guy/gal always seems to win.

So I’d like to offer a new, more empowering definition of humility – try it on for size before you reject it out of hand.

Humility – being no more than you are and also being no less than you are. Laying claim to the sum total of your talents and accomplishments and nothing less. Owning all your skills, pleasing attributes and abilities without self-deprecation or false modesty.

Give it a go – get comfortable with being all of you, expressing all of you and projecting all of you – where ever you go, who ever you’re with. That’s authenticity.

Let me know how you get on!

“All the mistakes I ever made were when I wanted to say ‘no’ and said ‘yes.’” Moss Hart, 1904-1961, Playwright and Theatre Director.

Most people I know (especially women) find it incredibly hard to say No firmly like they mean it, even though they want to! I think the main reason is that we women are brought up to be “nice” (possibly the most harmful word in the English language) and we actually care about other peoples opinions of us more than our own, more than our well-being and more than our success even. The natural and inevitable consequence of this behaviour is misery in the long run, because saying yes to too much leads to overwhelm, anger, resentment, exhaustion and stress and in extreme cases less than pleasing results in areas of life that actually matter to US. And after all that yessing, most of the time the people we set out to please find something to complain about anyway.

Not saying No to friends, mothers-in-law, relatives, partners and kids is exhausting and depleting and leaves little time and energy for ourselves and our needs. This can lead to upset, stress and conflicts in families. Not saying No to managers and co-workers has potentially disastrous consequences for your career because you can often end up with someone else’s mess to clean up, too much work with not enough time to do it in and consequently long hours, high stress and reduced rewards. Worse than all of this though is the chance that you could be perceived as a push-over and not strong enough for more demanding or responsible roles. Being able to say No firmly and negotiate your workload, salary and bonus usually makes senior people respect you more and assess you as having “management potential”.

People often think of time-management as the ability to manage chunks of time and break up work into those chunks; while it is that, the most important aspect of managing time is actually managing your Commitments. Making commitments is easy, keeping them is harder and has consequences one other commitments.

So how can you say No with grace, ease and firmness to ensure you only commit to what is important to you and aligned with your goals?

1. Know your own goals and desires. Then when someone asks you for something you can check whether it’s important to you or not and also if it will distract you from what’s important to you. Once you see the impact of saying yes, the No will come out more easily.

2. Ask yourself – “Do I want to do this?” and listen to your gut – it never lies. If you don’t want to do something and it brings you no pleasure, why are you even considering saying yes to it?

3. Evaluate consequences: What will happen if you say yes? What will happen if you say No? Given the consequences of a yes and a No, what is in your best interest?

4. Practice saying No – ask your friends to ask you a question or a favour and practice saying no to them & get feedback. You need to stand tall, be centred and calm and speak firmly and convincingly. PRactice regularly till you convince your friend that No really means No!

And now for NOW. There’s already been so much written about this that I don’t have much to add apart from this is it. Tomorrow & Yesterday are only concepts in our head – all we have is right now. 2 inspirational quotes that sum this up are below and I highly recommend reading the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

Have a great week!

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon – instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”- Dale Carnegie

“Remember then: there is only one time that is important–Now! It is the most important time because it is the only time when we have any power.” Leo Tolstoy

Moods are the most nebulous and perhaps the most important component of attitudes. You may find that very surprising, but your feelings or moods have a huge bearing on what your disposition for action is. This is actually very evident from personal experience – think about a time when you were very sad or unhappy. Perhaps you’d had a relationship break-up or a favourite pet had passed away. Now try and remember what sort of actions you felt like taking, what sort of possibilities life offered to you in that moment – if you’re like me you probably had a very limited range of options to choose from, most of them involving becoming a hermit! Now remember a time when you were really happy about something. What sort of possibilities did you see from life in that moment? Did it matter if it was raining? (I’m guessing not) What sort of actions did you have available to you? I’m certain that your choices ranged from the outrageous to the mundane and everything in between.

When we feel good, we see the world differently and approach it differently and therefore have different actions available to us as a result. We are literally physiologically and chemically very different when we are happier because of the chemicals our body releases, which are said to have a positive effect on our health and well-being. These feel-good chemicals or endorphins enable us to see a broader range of possibilities and also give us a range of action choices. When we are feeling blue, stressed or are in a “bad” mood, the body is flooded with flight or fight hormones, which reduce a variety of functions and limit the possibilities we can perceive and the actions choices we can see or undertake.  As we reside in our habitual mood or baseline emotional state for a large part of the time, it can have a significant bearing on our general disposition for action and the possibilities we perceive to be available to us. The fascinating book “Molecules of emotion” by Candace Pert covers the link between our emotions and our body’s chemistry in an accessible and easy-to read way and I highly recommend it if you want more information.

So managing the way you feel is actually quite crucial in order to give you a wide range of action and behavioural choices and therefore the ability to achieve the results you want. Did I say “managing”??? Yes I did! You see, our feelings are not something that happen to us but something we can control in many situations. Of course in extreme cases we cannot help but respond very emotionally, but we can actually choose our emotional responses a large part of the time in every day situations. Sports people by the way know this very well – that’s one of the reasons you hear coaches and commentators referring to the mood or atmosphere in the changing room being good or not.

Getting into a chronic positive mood is something that happens over time and needs to be built up, rather like the seasoning layers on a wok. However with awareness and regular practice, a good mood becomes a habitual state and you will be less likely to dip into negative moods as a result, even in the face of a situation that would normally evoke a less than positive response from you.

Some key ways to build your good mood are getting enough sleep, exercising regularly (at least 3 times a week, for about an hour each time), cutting down alcohol and caffeine, making sure you have some down-time or chill time such as a good film or book, time with friends and some pamper time. It’s also important to eat healthy food and drink lots of water.  Spending time in nature and meditative practices like Yoga and Tai-Chi or even dance lessons are also a great way to maintain a positive emotional state, to name but a few ways. If you make the time to do this, you will feel better about yourself and your life in general and will find you’re less prone to hanging out in “negative” moods and will find yourself in a happy mood more often than not. (See the end of this article for 10 tips on managing mood)

A good way to shift your mood when something annoying does happen is to go for a quick, brisk walk out-doors, listen to a good song on your MP3 player, read a cartoon on the web, browse through photos of happy times or simply close your eyes, put your hand on your tummy and breathe in and out very slowly 10 times.

So maintaining a positive emotional state in combination with aligned beliefs and values will literally give you the inclination or pre-disposition for positive action and behaviour, while the contrary will limit the possibilities and actions available to you. Therefore its important to be aware of your mood and also work on aligning your values and beliefs to give yourself the best chance for maximum success.

I’ve listed 10 key tips and techniques to manage your mood below – enjoy them and do let me know how you get on.

Best wishes,

Piya

Mood Management Tips

1. Decide that your mood matters to you and that you want to be in a good mood. This is important because it will give you a frame of mind to work from and you’ll be more likely to examine triggers and assess how you want to respond to them.
2. Listen to uplifting music every day, especially before events that may have a high stress component. Music is a very powerful and evocative mood-shifter and just listening to a good song can completely transform your mood. (If your favourite song is a very sad one that makes you cry, find one that makes you smile!)
3. Ask yourself the question “Is this (person/event/situation) worth losing my health and well-being over?” before you react to a trigger. For instance your neighbour is complaining about something and whereas your usual response might have been annoyance, you’ll find that you decide it’s simply not worth it to lose your rag – your health is more important!
4. Get lots of sleep every day. This is a really important factor and a good nights sleep regularly will go a long way towards ensuring you are in a happier and more productive mood in general.
5. Hydrate – drink lots of water, make sure you’re hydrated and your body will be more balanced chemically, which will have a positive impact on your mood.
6. Take regular breaks – go for a quick walk and get some fresh air, do some shoulder rolls and relaxation exercises, listen to a song etc. in the middle of your day to stay fresh.
7. Eat healthily and cut down on caffeine and alcohol – you don’t have to give it up totally of course but 6-10 cups of coffee and a bottle of wine a day on a regular basis will affect your mood and cause a build-up of the stress hormones, affect your sleep and generally pre-dispose you to a bad mood!
8. Exercise!!! As you probably know, regular exercise burns off stress hormones, releases endorphins (feel-good hormones) and is vital for good health. Regular exercise = good mood = positive action!
9. Mindfulness activities and practices like Yoga, Chi Gong, Tai Chi and meditation are all contributors towards a good mood and lots of community centres, gyms and local councils offer some form or other to choose from.
10. Most importantly – unwind and remember to have some fun from time to time! Make time for your friends, a good movie, a good book, a comedy evening – a regular dose of laughter and fun is perhaps the most important component in managing your mood for success, so indulge yourself!

The next component of attitude is values – a critical building block not only of Attitude but our personality. So exactly what is a value? It’s simply what’s important to you – either in general or at a life level, or what’s important in an area of your life like career/work. Some of my life values for instance are fun, family, wealth, success, integrity, authenticity, health and nature. Some of my work values are fun, success, integrity, self-expression, contribution and balance. You get the picture?

Values are important because they are basic drivers of results – you may say health is important to you but your results are the real indicator of whether that’s really true for you. Simply put, we make choices based on what’s really important to us on a daily basis – so if food or pleasure is more important to you than health, more often than not you’ll choose the chocolate cake over the gym session, which will show up in your results. Here’s the thing – values are often held in the subconscious mind (the part of your mind that circulates your blood and makes sure you breathe even while you’re sleeping), so you may not always be conscious of what your core values are.

So what if the results you’re getting are not what you want in an area of your life? Could that be because of your values? Absolutely. Remember that values are often sub-conscious so you may have values that you are not aware of consciously. Sometimes values also conflict with each other – e.g. having fun/partying and health may not go well together and a values-conflict can arise, with you literally being torn between two or more aspects of your life that are very important to you. This is why it sometimes feels like a “part of you wants to be/do/have” fun and another “part” wants the opposite!

It’s also important to consider what sort of motivation you have around a value – are you motivated “towards” a positive outcome or “away-from” a negative outcome? Let’s take wealth as an example – wealth could be important because it’s better than being poor, don’t want to be broke, want a good lifestyle, want to be financially secure. In this example, the last 2 (want good lifestyle & want financial security) are “towards” motivated and the 1st two are “away-from” motivated. Towards motivation is more long-lasting and sustainable than away-from in the long run and leads to more consistent results. This is also why diets can lead to “yo-yo” results – more often than not the motivation is “away-from” (I don’t want to be fat) and once the person loses some weight, the motivation disappears, leading to weight gain, when the motivation re-appears and so the cycle continues!

Values are critical determinants for success because if your actual core values don’t co-incide with your surface/conscious values, chances are you will struggle to achieve what you want to and may experience repeated self-sabotage and an internal tussle to take the actions that you need to in order to achieve your goals. What people often don’t realize is that values are also changeable and not constant. For instance what’s important to you at age 30 is probably different from what was important to you at age 15. As we grow and move through different phases of life, our values often change. The good news is that they can also be modified deliberately to get desired results. So if you want financial success and wealth, but wealth is not one of your life or work values – what are the odds of your being hugely financially successful? Pretty slim right! It is fortunately possible to modify your values and eliminate any away-from motivation using tools like PSYCH-K and NLP with support from a skilled coach. Once your internal/core values align with your conscious goals, the internal conflicts fade and patterns like self-sabotage no longer prevent your success.

If you want to find out what your values are just ask and answer the question “What’s important to me?” Remember you can find out your values about life or about a specific area like work, relationships, health and so on. E.g. if you wanted to find out what’s important to you regarding work you’d ask & answer that question and may come up with “contribution”, “recognition”, “money/financial reward” and so on. This is a fun exercise and you could find out things about yourself you did not know so give it a go! Remember to go with your first answer/guess as that’s likely to be the real / accurate answer.

So we’ve looked at beliefs and values as elements that make up our attitude. Have fun with exploring your values till next time, when I will go into feelings and how they shape our attitudes and impact our action so watch this space!

So what is attitude anyway and why is it important? I Googled it and this is the definition I liked best because to me it describes exactly why attitude is important:

attitude - a complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways; “he had the attitude that work was fun”

The key here is that our attitudes decide our “dispositions to act in certain ways” – a persons attitude determines their thoughts, behaviours and actions, which ultimately determine the outcomes that the person achieves. What do I mean? Well lets look at a fairly common example from the world of work. In an organization I used to work in, we were trying to automate a very complex business process and the prevailing attitude was “it cannot be done”. I was leading the team and I heard every reason why it could not be done – from clients and the technical teams. It’s too complex, it’s never been done (usually the most oft-quoted reason), it’ll take too long, not part of the culture, it will cost a fortune, or simply it’s “impossible”. Because of this attitude, most people either never attempted to find a solution or just assumed any attempt would fail so they did not want to be affiliated with it. Thankfully I did not know any better so I just asked the question “how” and persisted till we all found an answer. The solution was a huge success and literally brought in millions of pounds of revenues and saved a lot of operational cost as well. Fortunately there were enough mavericks who refused to take no for an answer and stayed optimistic – we had a “can do” attitude, which I believe made all the difference.

It’s all about attitude because your attitude will either dispose you to take certain actions or not. Your attitude will determine whether you go for the plum job or ask for a bigger paycheck, take on stretching projects, roles and opportunities or just stay “safe” where you are. Specifically, your attitude about your self is the most critical to understand and shape to achieve the results you want. Let’s break attitude down into beliefs, values, feelings and dispositions.

Beliefs are a key building block of attitude and therefore success. I’ve already written about this in a previous blog and this is so important, I want to spend some time on it again. Our beliefs are fundamental to our mental make-up. This is very evident is sport – time and again super stars in the sporting arena talk about belief and how whoever has greater belief usually wins the match, all else being equal. Some examples of deep rooted beliefs are “I am clever”, “I am good”, I am capable”, “I can”, “It’s hard”, “life’s a struggle”, “you need to work hard for your money”. Our beliefs shape the way we experience the world to such a degree that we don’t even know this is happening. For example, if I have an underlying belief that life is hard, I am likely to work very hard because I believe I am supposed to, I will see problems in most situations because I’m always looking for the “hard” bit, I will most likely resent people who don’t seem to be having a hard life and will probably not be a very optimistic or happy person. The conversations I have will quite likely be about how hard everything is and I probably will not be an uplifting person to be around.

On the other hand if I have a belief that life is supposed to be fun (which I actually do!), then I will constantly be looking for fun in every experience, be more likely to be optimistic and generally be a more cheerful sort of person to be around. A very illuminating book about beliefs is “The Biology of Belief” by Bruce Lipton, which underscores how important our beliefs are not just to what we achieve but also in terms of our health. Beliefs are simply thoughts we keep thinking and are acquired, not inherent and can therefore be changed. For example you may have believed that Santa filled your stockings at Christmas as a child, which you probably (hopefully) don’t any more! For centuries people believed that the earth was flat and that the sun revolved around the earth, which of course we now know is not the case. We pick up beliefs from our families, parents, cultures, teachers, friends, TV, books and experience and can choose to change beliefs that don’t serve us. How? Sometimes we have an epiphane or aha moment (like when you first realized that Santa did not come down the chimney) and sometimes we can engage coaches and therapists to help us shift to more empowering beliefs with techniques like NLP and other coaching methodologies like visualization. Again this is very common in sport where a large part of a coaches role is to build the self-belief in their athletes – e.g. Jimmy Connor coaching Andy Roddick or Clive Woodward coaching England to a world cup victory in 2003. The good news is that “normal” people can also avail of these to transform their personal beliefs to supporting and empowering ones with the help of a coach and/or mentor.

So we’ve talked a little about attitude and why it’s important and how beliefs are elements that make up our attitude. Next time I will go into beliefs and feelings and how they shape our attitudes and impact our action so watch this space!

I’m also delighted to share some good news with all of you – Careershifters recently profiled me on their site and you can view the details at http://www.careershifters.org/success-stories/global-head-fx-commodities-echannels-product-management-to-high-performance-coach
 

Best wishes,

Piya